2008: The year of my rebirth by Vaibhav Sharma

In case anyone has been curious about what I've been up to this year:

In the recent past, I have found it difficult to share with others what has been going on in my head, and what I have been trying to do with my life. The bits and pieces that I have exposed have rarely been understood by others. So I do not expect what I am about to share to be universally accepted or to be 'right' for everyone. Furthermore, I am not writing this in any demand for attention (such as 'ethnic hair care' was), or out of any ego driven desire to preach or feel 'holier than thou'. I am merely expressing myself for those who are interested.

As a grown male in my mid-twenties, it began to dawn on me, that this was it... this was my life. The 'fun' (which had never really begun, in my case) was over, and it was on to the daily grind of just getting by, going to a job I hate and then just killing time in between working, trying not to think about that job.

I looked in the mirror and saw the age creeping up on my face, I still felt like a kid on the inside, but I knew the world did not see me in the same way. The reality is, as a grown man past the age of 21 or so...Nobody really gives a damn whether or not you are happy or successful in life (With a FEW exceptions, such as your mother, or possibly one or two best friends if you are so fortunate).

Think about it:

Who goes down with the ship after the life rafts run out? I now fall into that demographic.

On the news, when there is an unexpected death, or a murder, which does society deem the least tragic and dwell on the shortest time? That of a grown, adult male.

This realization was not me making a victim out of myself once again, as I had down constantly throughout my childhood and college years. It was quite the opposite. On face value, nobody cares about your victim story, about your fear, about your past trauma. I always knew that I wanted more from my life, but the countless excuses and the fear of possible pain kept me from action.

I looked down and realized the safety net was gone...it had been gone for a couple years now. Comfort is just an illusion. There was nowhere left to run away from the things I feared (hard work, fear of rejection, personal integrity and values, conflict with peers,etc..). I wanted to run away from life itself, I did not know how I could face the 'grind' and face being unhappy from now until my death.

So, slowly but surely, I began to fight it.Keep in mind, this was not an overnight change. I am still YEARS from being the person who I want to be, but for the first time I feel that I am moving. The victim story, that child inside, must die. My behaviors are what have not been working for me, so I must fight against them, I must struggle to take the 'right action' in any situation...no matter how painful it will be at first.

* Since I had missed out on many opportunities to develop my social skills, they had atrophied through years of anti-social behavior. Add to the fact that I have been bullied nearly my entire life (up to and through college), I've developed a pretty acute social anxiety that I must now work to correct. My past is now irrelevant, it is nobody's job but my own to go out and strengthen these social skills. Inch by painstaking inch

* I had never really considered my career, or what I wanted to do in life until I was over a year into a job I hated. My job, as with most business desk-jobs, is a joke. It is morally bankrupt, and ultimately meaningless in the scheme of things. I want to do something meaningful, I want to contribute. I would take a 50% pay cut today (borderline poverty) if I found something I absolutely loved to do...you think I'm kidding...

* My health has been completely neglected very recently in my life, and I still have a ways to go. I have a few unhealthy tendencies and brief splurges that I have to phase out, but on average I have made a lot of progress. I still get surprised reactions when I meet people that I have not seen in a few years, I almost forget that I have lost almost 50 pounds since college. At this point I can't even really explain 'how' I did it anymore, it's just a non-issue for me. Sure, I have a few diet quirks here and there (that I love to annoy people with), but overall it was just a mental shift that took place. The pleasure of eating became outweighed by the pleasure of not being obese.

I intend to go into more depth into all of these points (and others), for those who are interested, but I just wanted to summarize for now. I assure you I am not crazy, and this is not just some mood or phase. This has been a slow snowball over the past few years, I just recently have decided to dive in and commit myself to it.

One final note: I apologize to anyone who I have neglected to connect with in the past weeks or months, and I really have no good excuse for my apparent "shadyness". I have nothing against the people from my past, but I am trying to move away from some of my own past behaviors. I still lack the strength to stand up and assert myself, with others, with regards to the decisions I have made. So, out of cowardice, I have avoided them altogether. This is B.S., and is hypocritical when considering my task of facing my fears. Just know that I do need some time to root myself, as I am going through a very strange time in my life right now...

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