Social anxiety by Vaibhav Sharma

"Hey there, silent". I don't remember exactly how I reacted the first time that I heard that nickname at work, I probably just smiled and looked nervously at the floor. I could overhear people talking about me behind my back on occasion: "Oh, he's just shy. He'll start to open up soon". I would rationalize to myself in my head all day 'I'm not quiet! I just don't like talking to these people'. or 'They don't know me, I'm just out of my element in this environment.'

Deep down, I knew it was all true. Had I really fallen this far? My voice was weak and quiet while in conversation, even cracking at times. I was incapable of holding eye-contact, even with middle-age and overweight co-workers. The hammer really started coming down when I began to feel pressure from management that I was not being active enough in my new supervisory position. Any opportunity that I had been given in my job was squandered, as I would avoid having to move about the office and talk to people at all costs. People who act like this don't get anywhere in life, I thought, besides this is just not like myself.

Some people who know me might think of me as a fairly extroverted, loud, energetic guy. In reality, there have only been brief periods of lucidity in my life where this 'inner child' has become unstifled and begins to shine through (unfortunately in recent years, only when alcoholically induced)...These moments would understandably stand out in people's memories as opposed to the 95% of my life zombie-like behavior in between. But I do know that I wasn't born shy, I know I was a loud and happy kid at one point.

I don't remember the specific incidents in my early childhood that led to where I'm at now, but I do recall a lot of negative feedback as a result of me opening my mouth to talk...throughout my life. "Shh...Don't talk so loud"...I remember even TEACHERS telling me this "You don't realize how loud your voice is Vaibhav"

Now, I know that I have gone through many awkward phases, and the stuff that was coming out of my mouth was not necessarily the most 'cool', clever or socially calibrated stuff, but I was just a kid... How can you tell a kid to not talk loud? Have you ever met a confident and extroverted adult that wasn't loud?

It wasn't just the teachers, I picked up flak from my peers as well. Of course, I was not the only dorky and awkward kid in the class...but I was the one who drew attention to myself. I had a strange need for attention, and I just didn't want to be ignored...even though the attention I drew was nearly always negative. I would begin to speak, and as the words were coming out of my mouth I'd think to myself "I'm going to get s**t for that".

It became a little less insidious as I grew up, but not by much. "Just be cool, man..." in reference to my otherwise eccentric behavior. "You can be alright sometimes, when you just chill out and act normal".

Don't talk loud, Vaibhav, they might give you s**t for it

Don't draw attention to yourself, Vaibhav, they might give you s**t for it.

Don't try something you might fail at, Vaibhav, they WILL give you s**t for it."The tall poppy gets cut"...or so the expression goes. High profile and successful people do live with the reality of positive AND negative reactions from other. I cannot run from possible criticism, especially now into adulthood. Not everyone will like me, that's something I need to come to terms with.

But I will not spend one more minute of my life censoring myself, or stifling myself, or seeking positive reactions and validation from others. The causes of my fears are completely illusory right now, it's just a phantom from my past, but it is still holding me back from being who I want to be.

So I walk around in public these days, smiling and waving to random people. I do not pass anyone on the street without saying "Hello"...even when they give me nothing back but a confused frown. I talk to store clerks, even if I'm holding up the line behind me. I go to bars with the intention of striking up conversations with strangers. I have to recondition my mind, I have to remove my irrational fears, now that I am an adult and can look at everything objectively.

This is my passion in life right now. I will no longer respond to negative feedback. ..I will gladly accept it, consider it, then release it before moving on to my next interaction completely open and unscarred...like a child, like before I learned to be self-conscious and insecure. I need to restrengthen my natural loud (and distinctive) voice, because I know now that what I have to say DOES have value, and needs to be heard.

It's not my fault that I ran into some negative reinforcement throughout the years, but it is my job to take responsibility for it.

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